IRONMAN CANADA 2011 RACE REPORT

1. PHILOSOPHICAL REFLECTION:

it has been one week since race day, i have had some time to reflect, some time to be happy, some time to rip my race apart in my head and then put it back together. i have run the full gamut of emotion, not everything what i would have expected. i have felt happy, exultant, disappointed, challenged, fulfilled, motivated and various other emotions.

in case anyone who has followed my blog hasn't noticed, i sort of like my own words and fancy myself, at times, a decent writer, well, literate, at least. however, in searching for a philosophical, literary, reflection on the inner how's and why's of doing ironman i find myself completely satisfied by jordan rapp's winner's speech at this years ironman canada. he says it all, and better, frankly than i could hope for. i am glad he won, because if he hadn't, the world would have had to wait for that speech! here is a link to that full text:

http://www.slowtwitch.com/Opinion/Rapp_on_the_dais_2296.html

the only point in rappstar's speech i verge from slightly is that he juxtaposes frankl's search for meaning with the bhudda's first noble truth; whereas i see no real difference in the two worldviews. the search for meaning, and the acceptance of the inevitability of suffering are, at least for me, the same thing. and probably a big part of the inner game of ironman.


2. GENERAL COMMENTS ON THE RACE:

i.) the place

once, when i was on a long run in the summer of 2010, i met an ironman athlete who told me that if you only do one ironman, it should be ironman canada. boy, she was right.

if you want to race in a place that is as epic as the ironman itself, then ironman canada is it. penticton is, quite simply, a stunning place. if you like mountains, arid desert, fruit orchards, vineyards, finger lakes and warm, dry air, then this is your place. a more grand and inspiring setting for an ironman cannot be imagined.

penticton is on fire with ironman and the level of enthusiasm and support from everyone in town, for the whole week, is simply fantastic. it is also a small town, with manageable distances, easy access to the race site, and to training sites. our house was 3 minutes from lake skaha, 10 minutes from race site, even on race morning, and less than 5 minutes from grocery stores, walmart, pharmacies, starbucks; basically everything you could possibly need was within very easy, hassle free access all week long. and it was laid back. i actually relaxed and it felt like a holiday for my family. we went to the beach every day. it was amazing.

our backyard in penticton

the beach at lake skaha

is there a more beautiful setting for an ironman?

ii) race organization

next year is the 30th anniversary of ironman canada, and it feels like it. they have been doing this for 3 decades, and it shows. the kinks are sorted out. this race is not a rush-job put on by the wtc to make more money, it has history, it is one of the grand ironman races in the world, and everything about the way race week unfolds, reflects that status.

i did hear that there were some issues with water supply late in the bike course this year, but i had no issues myself. the only possible criticism i can make is that the medals this year were a tad on the small side. i did get an email from the race director this week apologizing for that and explaining it was an issue with the supplier. oh well, my ego will have to make up for the small medal size...

what makes this race exceptional, is the level of support from volunteers. they make everything easy, from checking in, to checking your bike, to transition, claiming your gear at the end, finishing, you name it, there is always a friendly volunteer right at your side giving you personal service. it is very very cool.

on the course, the aid stations are more than frequent enough on bike and run, and well stocked with whatever you want or need. they even have chicken soup broth on the run as the day wears on.

a race this size, has the potential to be an organizational nightmare. ironman canada is a pleasure to race in because it is so well organized. there is a high level of support all week, everything is clear, and all you need to do is focus on your race. what more could you ask for?

iii) race day atmosphere

i have alluded to this already. but imagine swimming and as you breath you see sun kissed mountains everywhere...you emerge from the lake to thousands of cheering people, music playing, your wetsuit stripped. you have personal assistance in the change tent.

swim start

 out on the bike course you pass right beside a lake, then go inland and pass vineyards, mountain ranges, valleys filled with fruit farms and vineyards, small towns. on richter pass it is like the tour de france. there is writing on the road and a passageway of people cheering on either side of you. even dudes in wigs and speedos running with you.  there is also a station at the top, with an announcer, music, fans, and they call your name as you crest the pass. pretty amazing.

i found myself getting out of the aero position many times, not to stretch, but to just take in the astounding views.

further on the course, as i was getting a bit tired, and fried in the heat, i passed a huge ranch style house and the owner was sitting on the front yard, drinking beer and blasting ac/dc which was echoing off the mountains...lifted my spirits.

 the most boring part of the bike course is the out and back, by that point, about 120k, you are getting a bit tired and it is hot.

at the turn around on the out and back

the run begins in town and once again, you feel like a star. people are lining the streets cheering. the whole downtown is buzzing with the race. the run course is anything but flat, but the fact that you are running beside a lake for most of it, kind've eases the pain. there are tons of people sitting on their lawns cheering you on. there are bikini clad girls offering you a spray of water. there are people in their boats having a party next to shore and cheering the runners on. in okanagan falls, when you get to the turnaround, there are tons of people there and a festival atmosphere that lifts your spirits.

but when you come back into town, it really gets magical. for the last 2k, you are running through streets lined with people on either side cheering you on. i can't recall how many people called my name, "go john", it really helped and the support from the crowd was almost overwhelming and moved me to tears at one point.

all i can say about the finish line, is that it was everything i imagined an ironman finish line to be. crowded, loud, exciting, emotional and very very cool. it would have been nice to hear the announcer saying "you are an ironman", but i don't know, maybe he even did. you  run through the shoot and people are cheering you on, giving you high fives. it was incredible.

3. MY RACE:

first and most important: i finished. and i have exceeded my fundraising goals for the leukemia and lymphoma society. so, a success all round. and thanks to everyone who donated. amazing people.

it was 34 degrees celcius. it was windy. it was a tough day. the carnage i witnessed on the marathon was a testament to that. yet, i make no excuses about my time, it was what it was. was it what i was hoping for? no. might i have finished faster on a different day, or if i executed differently? probably. who knows. i am famous for telling people in my life that they must accept the crunchy with the smooth. cause life always has both.

well for me, the smooth was that i finished my first ironman! it was a feat just to get there, and to finish alone is a gargantuan task. i will feel proud for the rest of my life about it. i now have bragging rights as an ironman finisher. no small thing. so what is the crunchy part? my time. over one hour slower than my slowest projected time based on my training. oh well, you never know what is going to happen in ironman, especially your first one. crunch, crunch. i should stop being such a type A asshole, crunch, crunch, crunch...

swim:
this was the most fun i have ever had in a triathlon swim. i must be honest, i was filled with a sense of dread the few days before the race, as i contemplated what the hell i had gotten myself into, and i made up my mind to take all the pressure off, to just enjoy, pace very conservatively and finish.
i started out wide, to the west, and found some of the more clear water that way. still, there were lots of people, but one nice thing about a mass start is you can seed yourself so you don't get swam over by elite chicks younger than you 10 minutes into the swim.
the water was warm. it was pretty calm. the swim just sped by. i was mellow in my head and emerged from the water feeling really good and had to just sober myself with the thought that it was still a very long day ahead.

exiting the swim in a mellow mood

bike:

180 k is just a long bike ride. no two ways about it. add in two mountain passes, 34 degree heat and high winds, and you have a tough day.

the first 70 k are net downhill and with a tailwind. so i rode 40k in 1:08 with very little effort.
then we turned into the hills and things heated up a bit. i felt incredible for the first 70 k, but just kept telling myself to hold back. my power numbers were less than i expected, but i told myself this was just the day i was having and it would be stupid to chase a number. i kept it within myself and rode steady.

everyone talks about richter pass, but i actually found yellow lake the harder of the two mountain passes. it comes at 150k into the bike. it is hotter. it is longer. it is higher (at least according to my garmin). by yellow lake, i was a bit fed up, tired, and in survival mode. i had fought off a couple of bonk feelings earlier on, and also some stomach cramps. i was feeling smart. but a bit toasted. and i really could not imagine that my day was not over when i descended into penticton, i still had to run a marathon....

so, a very non-spectacular day on the bike. i may have under-paced myself slightly, but i preferred to be conservative. i was there to finish and enjoy myself and used those ideas as my guiding principle.

run:

i started off running quite strong, and had to think consciously to hold back. i was on a 3:45 marathon pace, which was my most conservative scenario, but i thought that was fine. i was prepared to keep myself in check until the turnaround at okanagan falls. at that point i would let it go if i had anything left in the tank.

the run had its fair share of joy and suffering

well, that was not the way it worked out. i ran pretty well for just over 10 k and then i felt my body slowing down. mental and physical fatigue took hold. i was soon running 6 minute k's and i really did not feel to push any harder. i walked a couple big hills. by the 15 k mark, i knew that the run would be slow and had revised my goals to anything sub 4. by the 20 k mark, i knew i was in survival mode, with more than half the marathon still to go and i set a new goal, to finish before i was forced to wear a glow necklace...i am proud to say i met that goal.

things were very ugly out on the course on the way back into town. people were walking right, left and center. there were athletes bent over, sitting down, puking. it was like the road to perdition. one athlete even took off his shoes and went for a dip in lake skaha. that is how hot it was. i was very, very tempted to join him.

but i just soldiered on, and relinquished my pride, and ran what i could and just kept going, and the kilometers kept disappearing, slowly but surely. before i knew it, i was in town again, and things picked up mentally, although by that point, i was quite fatigued and really had nothing much to give in terms of a kick over the last few k's.

so that was it, i brought it home, and there at the finish line, my family were there to greet me. it was an amazing feeling.

 

FINAL REFLECTIONS:

as tweety bird so aptly commented "that's all folks".  that's it. 8 memorable months. ironman canada has come and gone. i am still a bit in limbo. still a bit in post-ironman glow. that will all change when i get back to work in two days. life goes on. i have really enjoyed this whole experience. it has been valuable in more ways than one. was it all worth it? hell ya! what next? i don't know, i need some time to digest.

  i thank anyone who read any part of this blog. and i thank all my sponsors and supporters.

my road to penticton is officially in the books. thanks again for traveling with me.

The Dharma Road

I am not sure what to write, but i felt i should write something. this is it. tomorrow is ironman.
part of me can't believe it is actually going to happen.

i am not sure what i feel. anxious, yes. afraid. a little. excited. of course.
but none of these words really describe what it feels like. part of the issue is the unknown. this is my first ironman. i don't really know what it feels like. i am not really sure what to expect. i will be pushing the limits of my endurance farther than ever before. i feel a certain sense of lingering, of wanting it to start, of dreading it to start, but dreading these hours before the race more than anything. i feel a bit nauseous. not really, but existentially so.

i think i know what i want to say, or at least part. i want to say that i am almost as afraid of the race being over as i am of it finally being here. there is the unknown of what tomorrow will bring, but greater unkowns loom in the horizon. and that is good. an open road is better than a driveway. at least most of the time.

i suppose it is always like this when you invest so much into something. i wonder what ancient dudes felt like the night before a planned battle.

the town is alive with the hype of the race. it is seething with triathletes. it really is like a pilgrimmage. all these people in one place, for one purpose. doing the same things, the same rituals. the vibe is pretty cool. the volunteers are amazing. everything is smooth and well organized.

i have layed low with the family. we have gone to the beach every day. my daughter has had a great time playing in the backyard where we are staying. we have discovered her singing talents. she sings barbara streisand particularly well...in babyish.

so, there is so much  happening to do with the race, and not to do with the race. it is an intense time in my life.

so this is it for my blog. a race report will follow tomorrow and that will be it. sad. but then life will go on and there will be more stories, more roads. or maybe the same one. the dharma road. oh my, i will end this blog for now with a reference to keruoac. one of my favorite writers. and tomorrow, i will be on the road. and the day after also. and the day after that...

the road ends at lake skaha

i can't believe that i am finally here and the race is only 2 days away.

highway 97 hits a crossbar at the foot of lake skaha. there you will find a beach that is some cross between spain, lord of the rings and exotic island chains in bali. pretty terrific. since that is where we are staying in penticton, i will call that the end of the road. we are here. arrived. ready, (hopefully). i am here...

i have driven all around north america, literally. the drive from kelowna to penticton ranks in the top 3 drives i have ever done. it is simply spectacular. just the majestic reality of what we were seeing had a transforming effect on our mindset. the real road into penticton is something worth seeing in a lifetime, for sure.

we arrived last night. spent an idyllic day hanging out, going to the beach with my daughter and soaking in the extreme beauty that penticton has to offer.

i must say that penticton is one of the most stunningly beautiful places i have ever seen. the arid mountains, the fruit trees and vineyards, the finger lakes nestled between sharp mountain peaks. it is both exotic and visually stunning.  to quote my wife, it is like being in macca. well, macca it is, for about 2500 ironman pilgrims who are collecting here and i am more than happy to be one of them.

of course, it wouldn't be ironman if there weren't snags. i flatted on my warm  up ride today. wait, is that a snag? a bit, i guess. but better today than on sunday.

i feel well physically and mentally and i am really starting to look forward to the race. it feels so real finally, it feels nice to see all these people out spinning on their bikes and feel the caraderie with them. very cool.

we shall see what the next few days bring, but we are finally here.

the death of jack layton

this is a weird week.

i am officially home from work. yet, i still have to go in to work.

i am tapering for ironman. yet,  i am also playing at home dad. which is cool.

my big day is only five days away...

the weather has changed. it is cool. a huge storm hit last night and wiped out our power for 6 hours. there was a tornado just north of toronto that destroyed a small town. 

 and...today i found out that the jack layton died. for those of you who are not from canada, jack layton was the leader of canada's most socialist political party, and someone who was just always there as the voice that called everyone else out on their bullshit and who was genuinely there to represent the average working joe, who could not articulate what jack could. i can't believe he is gone. and so young. 61 years old. i, for one, took his existence for granted and now he is no longer in existence, at least in this world.

i was reflecting on the fact that jack spent the last year of his life leading the NDP party's most successful federal election ever. he was a fighter, to the end.  i am sure he knew that his health situation was serious. there were alot of other things he could have done with his time. he chose to do that which moved him most. and he lived out a dream. the best ever results in the polls for his party, his cause. he spent the final year of his life devoted to increasing the profile and power of a party that stood no chance to win the election. he, in essence, spent the final year of his life, fighting a losing battle, in more ways than one, ...but i don't think anyone would ever say he lost.

i am inspired by his life, just as i am saddened by his death. and i realize that i never really appreciated his existence enough while he was here.

as much as i hate myself for finding personal meaning in someone else's death, what options are there? what is the appropriate thing to do/not do, write/not write?, think/not think?

it makes me more aware than ever, how short our time on this earth can be, and how important it is to fight for what moves you, to pursue your dreams and to be yourself and to never let anyone else tell you when, how, where or why or what,  you can, cannot, should or should not do or what should matter to you. 

Industrial Diversion

i think my blog frequency will be pathetically frequent this next 10 days or so.

after that, i will lay this road to rest...

if my purpose is to document where my head is at, then i must include this video of danny macaskill. he has been a spirit lifter this week, a great source of motivation and distraction as well.

i bet his bike ain't carbon fiber. the music is great too. enjoy.

the zen of ironman

i will miss this blog. it has been a steady part of life for the past 8 months. a weekly chance to reflect on where my head is at as i prepare my body for the biggest endurance challenge it has ever faced.

like all things, it will come to and end, and very soon.

my road to penticton, this road, this time, this year, will never happen again.

i am beginning to feel strong again, and getting my mind around the challenge ahead.

i have been thinking about the zen of ironman. the bhudda's first noble truth is that suffering is inevitable. it comes, sooner or later, to everyone. we often see freedom from suffering as a gift, or a blessing, or a reward for something, but this ignores the big picture of time. in the end, we all suffer. bad things happen to those we love, to us;; suffering visits the innocent just the same as the guilty, and we are left wondering why.

many of us spend most of our time trying to avoid suffering. it is a primary goal in most people's moment to moment existence. so if we think that we should be able to avoid it, it makes sense to wonder why, what did we do wrong?, when it visits. 

but perhaps it is better to wonder how or maybe even better yet, to experience how, as opposed to finding out why suffering happens. it is part of existence. freedom from suffering and suffering are just parts of existence. neither one can really be avoided. they are both there to be experienced. and experience itself is a gift beyond anything imaginable.

the one thing for certain in the ironman is that suffering will come. you may get a good time, or a bad time. you might finish, or not. but you will suffer, no matter what. no matter how hard you train, no matter how hard you plan, no matter who supports you or who doesn't, or how prepared you are, or how well you execute your race plan, you are going to suffer. the task is just too big to complete without suffering. just as living is too big to complete without suffering.

how are you going to deal with your suffering when it happens?

it was the 12 days of taper and my true love gave to me...a diaper with a poo

Ironman Canada is in 12 days.

this is not the twelve days of christmas.

this is the 12 days of: i am stressed. how will i do this? i have trained enough, i haven't trained enough. the ironman is a monkey on my back. how do i please this monkey? what will be it be like to change the baby's sleep zone by 3 hours? will i be f-cked beyond imagination by the sleep issues of the baby? what will the last 10k feel like? i remember running the marathon. my hamstrings were ropes waiting to burst. what if i feel like shit? what if my taper makes me fat and feeling like shit? what if i ride too hard? what if i run too hard at first? and other things i can't mention....

this is the 12 days of neurotic frickin shit, i can't wait for race day. the build up is killing me. the taper is killing me. the aches and pains from nowhere are killing me. the built up fatigue is killing me, and most of all, my dread of it all being over is killing me.

this road is getting short. but it has been long, and fun, and ...well never, mind, but....i am looking forward to penticton, to the beach,the mountains, atmosphere of my first ironman. i am excited. and afraid.

and as the race gets closer i  have inevitably encountered some of my  deepest demons of sobotage and self-doubt. well, f*5k them.  i wont' deny they are there, i won't deny their role in my past, but they can see the door to their exit from my present. good riddance.

deep fears of self sabotage should stay deep where the sun don't shine. i am going to believe. i am going to keep being consistent. i am going to do my best to be an ironman.

and if anyone reads this who has not donated to the lls, please do, i am really close to my fundraising goals. it would be nice to get there.

18 DAYS

in 18 days this road ends
it will be put up or shut up time.

i am going through a more fatiged taper than i would have liked. at least i know i had no more to give in training.

so now, you must shift gears and focus on macro recovery and being fresh for the race. i have dug a hole. it has been hard work. it should be a good stimulus to push me forward in terms of what my body can do. hopefully it is a less than 18 day hole. then i come out stronger.

this is an anxious phase for me.

i need a good beer. a few good foul words. maybe a few chicken wings.  some  sleep. a quiet night out of the baby. 

NON-RACE REPORT

this past weekend was supposed to be my final tune up for penticton. it didn't work out well, in fact, it ended up raising some anxiety, bursting a whole in my confidence bubble and brining me strangely full circle, into the fire as it were, into the patient role, something i try to avoid like the plague and ironically, one of the big pulls all of this triathlon stuff has for me, that feeling of supermanish overcoming, gone, and there i am being examined by para-medics and turning in my timing chip.

here is what happened; i was supposed to race the provincial long course championships in kingston ontario. a great race in a beautiful little city, and i had anticipated writing a light hearted, nice review of the race (which has already been chosen as one of the top 3 races in north america). i ended up dropping out after the swim.

i felt great the day before. a long drive up to kingston with my wife and baby, tiring, but fun. we got into kingston and i was feeling fit, looking fit, and had one of the best warm ups i have ever had before a race. i was feeling smug, like the 2k swim, 56k bike and 15k run were a given, a warm up, a sneeze for me. i am in ironman shape after all.

how quickly things can unravel.

my daughter woke up from sleep and proceeded to cry and fret for close to five hours, the night was a washout. we ended up doing tag team rocking, pacing, soothing. i got maybe 2 hours of broken sleep. i  still woke up in time for the race though and as i ate breakfast, i thought to myself that this would be cool, doing a long course race on two hours sleep after a night like that, i couldn't believe how good i felt. one more confirmation that i really am superman!

my mind was calm, i felt focused and confident as i set up in transition. it was hot and muggy and wonderfully sunny. the water was still cool enough for a wetsuit legal swim, but it was 21 celsiuis, so not exactly cold.
then i made a mistake, which i am sure sealed my fate. i put on my wetsuit about five minutes too early and proceeded to sweat like a banshee in the hot sun. i looked down and my wetsuit looked like i had already gone swimming.

i felt fine warming up. a bit of fresh water in the suit was a nice relief. the first half of the swim was fine. not my best day in the water, but i kept telling myself i am just limiting time loss, setting up a solid bike and a stellar run. i turned around and headed back to shore and things started to slowly unravel. i felt hot. i felt way more tired than i should and i struggled to get back to the docks.the second half of the swim seemed to take forever.

as soon as my feet hit land i knew i did not feel great. i was walking to the bike. i felt a bit unsteady. as i unracked my bike, i began to feel like i was going to pass out. i draped myself over the bike rack, i sat down, time starting slipping by, my race was slipping by. i stood up again, and i felt to faint, again.
by this time, there were two very nice paramedics tending to me. my race was over.

there i was, blood pressure cuff on, pin prick on my finger to check my glucose, heart monitor on. i went from superman to patient in 1/2 hour. ironic, because this road is supposed to be about triumph over illness, celebrating life, strength, overcoming. and there i was succumbing in my last warm up race. there i was being examined. i had flashbacks to my whole cancer ordeal. i felt weak, vulnerable, emabarassed. my bubble burst.

what do i take away from this? nothing is ever guarunteed in triathlon racing. there is no law of fairness that says if you are fit and train enough you will finish ironman. a million things can come up and suddenly you are sidelined. it is just like life.

and so now, i must re-focus myself, put this out of my mind, and get to b.c. with a clear head. another barrier to overcome. instead of a great warm up race to confirm my fitness i have a baffling, dnf. instead of feeling like i am invincible, i end up in the pateint role, at a race. the one role in life i would most like to avoid, is thrust on me in a moment, while i am at the peak of my fitness, at a race, and suddenly , questions arise. should i get a check up? (i promised my mother i will). what if there is something serious (doubtful), how am i going to deal with it when the inevitable does happen and something serious does occur in my body and i can't race any more? what if i can't even run in the park with my daughter any more? what if i get a heart attack in the next ten years, like my father did? how will i live past that?

following cancer i have worked hard to develop trust in my body again. however, i never really have shaken the knowledge that it could let me down at any moment, and that has been the backdrop of my existence for the last 15 years. it is the thing i most run away from. i have enjoyed moments of feeling safe, feeling like i can do things that normal people cannot. i am strong, i am a fighter, i have an iron will. i am sure i will enjoy those moments again. they are, in the end however, nothing more than fantasies of omnipotence.

so, it seems fitting that i encounter the one ghost, or demon that i would most like to avoid on this road to penticton. my own fear about my body letting me down.

it certainly makes things more interesting....

MY RIDE

I am always most inspired to blog after long brick days.

Today was one of the final long triples of the ironman ramp up. and so, as i rode along, i thought about my ass and wondered if i had used enough vaseline before i left. i thought, also, about blog topics. and then it hit me (metaphorically i mean, thank my angels nothing really hit me)

this is my document, my journal, my memoir of my road to penticton. so i must post a pic of my steed, my ride, my wheels, my ten thousand dollars of happiness.

here IT is, ready for the last test race before ironman canada.

MY RIDE

yes, i am a titanium whore. the wheels and handlebars may melt but the frame will be one of the few things left if there is a nuclear holocaust. i will probably ride this frame until i die. it rocks. it eats vibration for breakfast. it make jokes out of potholes. my perineum loves this frame. baggage handlers can kiss my ass. they might break everything else, but they wont' bust my frame.

SPECS:
litespeed saber frame
reynolds carbon aero forks
cane creek headset
campagnolo record with cts crank
hed jet c2 90/60 wheels
look keo carbon pedals
continental triathlon tires
power tapp
profile design carbon cobra up front
xlab hydration in rear with King titanium bottle cages
arundel carbon bottle cages on frame
ism race saddle

ok, now i am an official triathlon blogger. i have posted bike porn.


just another brick in the yellow brick road...

swim 2.4 miles, bike 112, run 26.2 and brag for the rest of your life, or why i do this...

if anyone has followed this journey they will have seen the hero, the hypochondriac, the narcissist, the fund-raiser, the time strapped new father, the dreamer, the jaded-self loathing elitist seeking to be an ironman, the depressive self-doubter, head banger, cancer survivor and shameless self promoter.

yet today i realized, that none of these characteurs, nor even their sum total, comes close to describing the real why about this road to penticton.

it has been a while since i made a musical reference, this one pertains to the mood that struck today in the car on the the way home from an 8 hour workout. radio tarifa. an apocryphal band from spain who take their name from the southern-most town in spain, where the mediterannean and the atlantic meet. i was in tarifa. it is a magical, windy, moorish place.  i have loved radio tarifa. they are one of the most ecclectic and original bands on the planet, i forgot how much i liked them until i dipped into the cd case today and pulled this one out.

the link above is to a modern version of an ancient castillan song, and the song that inspired this week's blog.

so now, back to me.

it is amazing how empty your head gets when you ride for six hours in extreme heat. in the car however, in the loving arms of my a/c, with radio tarifa playing, a flood of emotion and imagery came on and i began to feel like i was experiencing an epiphany.

i saw images of people finishing at kona with the most amazing smiles on their faces. i saw also,  their looks of anguish and pain and the looks that said "i can't believe i just did that".  i remembered their stories and how i identifed with the fight i saw in them. i remembered how i told myself "i want to do that" i want to fight like that, i became so moved by the shear force of their will that i wanted to become like them. identification. deep rooted.

 i started to cry my head off in the car. i thought about my dead father for a moment. i cried from somewhere deep inside. it was a type of angry tears. i thought about how futile it is to say "look, i swam 2.4 miles, i biked 112 miles and i ran 26.2 miles" and the very thought of the beautiful and triumphant futility of it caught me up in waves of a type of ecstatic yet pointless protestation at the circumstances of existence. i cried more. then i realized that these were angry tears. i realized that ironman is a bucket for deep wells of rage within me, rage over things from the present, rage about things i can remember and things i can't, rage pasted together layer upon layer like a medieval palimpsest*, so glued together as to become indistinguishable, yet never expressed, bottled inside, released somehow through the pain of physical exertion. it took a while to ground myself. it took a while to return from this space of wonderful, sad, angry, triumphant tears.

and i said to myself...relax...you havne't done it yet. (it's just that it is getting so close i can taste it)

so is that the answer??? is anger the glue? is anger the culprit that wakes me at 5 am? is this all just an outlet for rage? you mean i could've just kept on kickboxing?

i dunno. maybe there was no epiphany. maybe i was just buzzing on endorphins. weird trip.

anyways, i will finish with a pic of tarifa. strange, beautiful, far away place, at the end of the once known world.

* ( a book where monks wrote one book over the other because they didn't have enough paper)

no time for shit

well, actually this morning time in the can is the only time i have to do a quick blog, just to keep my flow going (no pun intended). maybe the title of this blog should be "no time TO shit"...

but this is the time of the year when the shit hits the fan. and there really is no time for this proverbial substance right now,  be it in my life, my head, my diet, my sleep, my relationships. things are serious. the ironman ramp up is full on.

but, life being what it is, shit still happens.

as i go through all of this now, for myself, instead of reading about other people doing it, i feel profound admiration for anyone who  manages to work, stay married, know their children, and crosses the finish at an ironman. wow. we are pretty freakin amazing! much more impressive than the pros. we have no "training camps". we don't wake up alone in cool lonesome lofts to java and then go running in stellenbosch before our afternoon massage and bike session. we fit workouts in between trips to the park, the fountain, the grocery, nights on call, busy clinics and so on. we rock.

yet, there is little room for denial about what this is all about at this point in the year. this is all about me. fundraising is great, it is nice, it is smoke and mirrors. there is nothing self-less or even noble about this ironman endeavor. it is selfish and self focused to the max. my wife, my daughter, they would rather i was with them instead of  riding my frickin bike for 6 hours. who could pretend anything different??? and me doing this ironman won't change the world, it won't make people's lives better. i don't know if it will even change me . it won't solve anything. and it will strain my mind and body, as well as my family's patience. if my life was a garment the seams would be bursting.

ahh, but i do love it. i really do. i love training. i love driving home and cranking tunes after a 7 hour workout. i love swimming in the lake at 7 am.  there is something compelling about all of it, even though i simultaneously resent the price i pay...life is weird. we are all duplicitous and full of contradiction.  self-understanding does not always lead to change or action. i feel like lear, compelled to wonder through the storm because it is my fate. or else ulysses, always thinking about home but never quite there, always fighting some monster on the periphery of the known world but dreaming of home. (and i hope that i don't return home after loo long, like he did, and find a banquet going on in my absence...)

thus i no longer feel like my race in penticton will be a competition at all. i feel a sort of comraderie with all my fellow ironman weirdos who will toe the line with me. i feel like i understand what we all will have sacrificed to be there. don't get me wrong,  i don't want  really want to know them. i wouldn't say i even like them, or even the idea of them.  i just feel i am more like them than i am not. and i have never really felt more that way, about any group of people i don't want to belong to, in my whole life.

Welland Half Ironman Race Report

the welland canal

This past weekend was the 2nd annual Welland Half Ironman and I was there to suffer on a sunday morning with a few hundred other masochistic lunatics. not an A race for me, but a good chance to practice a few things and judge my fitness.

This race is the only "off label", non ironman brand half i have done, but i must say that in terms of organization and overall race experience, it really lacks nothing and even trumps the official ironman branded events which i have done. the whole thing was well organized, seamless, and about as pleasant as a 6 hour endurance event can be, from start to finish. They even had Steve Fleck there, from 19 Wetsuits, acting as announcer, and it was cool to hear your name as you struggle with your shoelaces in T2.

Part of the appeal is the size itself. 500 athletes makes for a much less congested and more pleasant experience on the race course than 2500. chocolate milk and hero burgers afterwards are a real bonus, which could only be topped by a beer tent and a live band. i guess i need to race more in germany... although i am not really sure how much fun it is to drink beer with a bunch of triathletes...they are mostly pretty boring. and come to think of it, i am not sure i would make the drive home with beer and burgers inside me post race, so let's just forget that. the only thing that is missing is all the m-dot gear at the expo, that is not really missing anything, except an opportunity to wait in line and spend more money.

so, come to think of it, a local race like this, done this well, aces a big, huge, ironman brand race any day. it is like like having coffee at the local shop, where the owner talks to you and the decor is unique and ambient, and things are more relaxed and personal,  as opposed to lining up at starbuck's and ordering coffee in some strange language we have all been forced to learn. (a good analogy except that sometimes at m-dot races you get coffee time coffee in a starbuck's cup, if you get my drift.)

enough rambling. race report.

welland is like a post card, except economically depressed.

 it kinda looks like how i imagine roth.

anyways, it is a simply beautiful setting to race in. country roads. a calm canal with parkland and condos all around. passing by a lake on the bike. a run along fitness trails that are beside water the whole time, with shade, trees, birds, and beautiful views every single step of the way. and lots of support from aid stations, which are well stalked and organized.
and a course that was made for PB's. fast and flat.
what more could you ask for? this race is destined to become a classic.


my race:

swim: my garmin strap broke just before i got in the water, so i had to stash it near a pilon on the ramp to transition. it was still there at the end of the swim, proving that the crowd was filled with good, honest people.  the water was quite warm. perhaps the course was a bit long this year as many many people had longer times than last year. but it was as pleasant as any mass start style swim can be. i had the usual boredom half way through. but overall, just a nice swim. the water was pretty warm, so making it wetsuit legal was a bit of a stretch in my opinion, but i didn't mind.

the run to transition is 1/2 k, over a large patch of rocky driveway just before you enter transition, so this was the worse part of the race really. it would be nice if they paved the whole thing. i ended up walking on stones, ouch, ooops, ouch.

bike: flat. a bit windy at points. passes a canal filled with water lillies. then turns into farmland. lollipops around and passes the shore of lake erie. quite a beautiful bike course. i was assessed a three minute penalty for i don't know what. kind've ironic given that i had to endure some jerk drafting me like crazy, then trying to pass me on the right, in between his spurts of sudden acceleration pauses to ride beside his girlfriend and chat, and then fall back and try to pass again. i am glad that he got left in my dust at the 65k point.  some people... and i get a penalty??? just another example that life really is not fair. i just didn't have magic legs on this day and i couldn't make the most of the ideal conditions, but i did manage a personal best, 2:36. good, i know  there is better in me, just not on that day.

run:somehow, i managed to make nutritional errors 101 on the bike so i ran into major stomach trauma from a glob of goo in my gut. this lasted for 10k of stitches, burps, vomit feelings and running at a walking pace. i seriously contemplated not finishing. but i just kept going, and drinking lots water to dilute the monster gel baby in my gut. i could not take in more fuel, my stomach would not handle it.

my stupid garmin strap broke so i ended up running holding it pocket watch style. no big deal.

at 10k things picked up and i actually started to run. another runner came up beside me and was going almost exactly the pace that i felt i could muster, so we ran together for 10k and picked people off, and had our own little mark allen/dave scott thing...funny, cause we did not say a word to each-other the whole time I ended salvaging a 1:41, which while not what i know i am capable of,  was nowhere near as bad as it could have been.

the run course is about as nice as can be. i am not a fan of loops, but that is all i could criticize. it was simply beautiful. 

finishing strong without my gel baby

in the end, i clocked a 5:05 (i am ignoring that erroneous penalty), a good time on a less than perfect day and a wake up call not to make stupid mistakes at ironman.

the welland half ironman race, is a small, beautiful and well run 1/2 ironman with a course that is set up for PB's. it is a race that anyone who lives close by should put on their calendars. it is also proof that the ironman label, is simply that, a trademark label and that their races have nothing up on local race organizers, who when they  know what they are doing, are offering a superior race experience.

Half Iron Dude, Full Iron Dad

granted, this is only my fourth year in the sport and i still have yet to race more than 20 races, including little local sprints...but the perfect day still eludes me.

sunday was the welland half ironman, full race report will follow. but yesterday was the toronto full irondad, and there is no question about which day i am more proud of!

first, i will consider that my post race recovery consisted of a chocolate milk, a hero burger and...drive 1/2 hour back to the hotel, shower, pack, load the car, rack the bike drive for 2 hours home, un-pack, un-rack, bathe the baby, go get food, eat food, sleep.

ok, now we are on monday...the toronto inner city full iron-dad day.

5:30 wake up, change baby, give bottle, play with baby
7:00 tag team with nanny, back to sleep for 45 m (o.k., i am not made of iron here!)
8:00 drive car to shop, drop car off
8:30 ride bike back home
09:00 do laundry, unpack suitcase, tidy up
10:30: rest hour, hang with family eat, watch True Blood season premiere on the PVR
11:30 ride bike back to car dealer, pick up car, drive home
1:00 shower, dress, walk to work
1:30-6:00 work...busy day...one crisis, 2 consults, 10 clients...
6:00 play with baby, bathe baby
6:30 return emtpy bottles, drug store, wine store, grocery shopping
8:00 eat
8:45-10:00 help my wife with some work related stuff ( with my remaining brain cell)

10:00 pm sleep.

all one day post race. wow. i am proud.

welland half iron race report to follow...

Burritos, Baby and Recovery

last week was a recovery week.

this week is pre-race (more on that later)

all of which means i have been a bit bored from a training standpoint.

how do i tie all this in to the words going through my head? baby...burritos...recovery...

 well...i have been thinking about the perfect recovery food. one that feeds your mind, soul and body.
for those of my readers who live in the toronto area, or who will visit, i need say no more than:

Chino Locos: http://chinolocos.com/


there is nothing more heavenly than a juicy, plump, fish burrito from chinos, stuffed with chow-mein noodles. ahhh. the perfect recovery meal. hold the sour cream and cheese if you are trying to get to kona. add a glass of mendoza malbec and you have the perfect last supper. forget the cigarette, just shoot me when i wash down the final bite with my malbec and send me straight to heaven.

ok, that is the burrito. the recovery. what about the baby?

my baby, stupid. my baby girl. we have been hanging out reading elmo, watching sesame street, changing poos, pointing at dogs and dancing every morning. she is my regular morning date. (and she has no idea how much tour de france she will be watching at 5am on the pvr in july, she will become a little french baby). she is just on my mind. plain and simple. and i want to document that because she is my morning angel on this road to .....penticton.

DeSoto T1 First Wave Review

ok, so i have had a brief moment of pseudo-philosophy last entry and so my heart wrenching self-disclosure about the woes of chemotherapy and radiation are temporarily out of my system.

so, back to basics, a gear review.

and i don't have to force this one, not at all. the T1 First Wave wetsuit is one of the most mind blowing and paradigm shifting pieces of equipment i have ever owned.

My T1 Out of the Box

i got mine in the mail two weeks ago, just in time for open water season here in ontario. i have since had test swims in lake wilcox (about 68 degrees) and lake ontario (high 50's). a couple choppy swims, and one of those swims that makes you think you are in that martial arts movie, crouching tiger hidden dragon, floating on a glass lake at dawn. the T1 was great in all situations. warm in the cold water. excellent flotation. but just like a dream to swim in.

this wetsuit has increased my enjoyment of open water swimming by 100%. and i have swam in several top brands, which are now hanging in my closet and will soon be up for sale on slowtwitch.  here is why:

-it is the easiest wetsuit that i have ever put on. i am not exhausted from fighting the the fricking zipper for 10 minutes and rolling rubber up my belly and down my arms for another five. i am not tired and sweating by the time i have it on. the top goes on so easily i could not almost believe it. the bib-john is just like putting on the bottom part of a traditional wetsuit, but a little easier, because there are no arms flailing around.  no more asking strange foreign people walking by the lake at dawn to do up my zipper. i will never need to be zipped again!

-it is equally easy to get off. the material really is very supple and flexible.  the top comes off like a dream. you flip it up like a sweater and the arms come off very very easy. the bottoms are easy because there is less to contend with. no arm fabric in your way. the rubber is very flexible. is just pops off around your feet the way you want it to. no more standing there like and asshole falling over trying to get my f'ing wetsuit legs off. this wetsuit will make my T-1's a bit faster, i have no doubt.

-it is as warm as any other wetsuit. there is no issue with water entry which is what i guess everyone is anxious about in moving to a two piece. but believe me, actually less water enters the suit. at least for me.

-the neck is lower, so i don't choke. i did chafe slightly first swim (over 3k). but you really don't feel as restricted by a high neckline in this suit. and there is no velcro to contend with, no zippers on your c-spine. it feels like you are wearing a nice, comfortable sweater. just really tight. like a miami clubbing sweater...but that is another story.

-my arms can do whatever they want, however fast they want. i can actually swim the way i do in the pool.  no shoulder fatigue. i am not fighting rubber with every stroke. i was able to finish my stroke completely. my elbows were free to go nice and high. my arms could stretch as far as i wanted. really, i mean imagine swimming in a wetsuit and feeling absolutely no restriction to your arms or shoulders and that is the feeling. it is awesome. my stroke rate was naturally increased as a result.

-it is more flexible around the torso, so i can roll better than with any other wetsuit.and, no, the top does not ride up. it stays just where it should. but it really does allows greater rotational motion than any other wetsuit. this makes sense. you are not fighting rubber, it is moving with you.

-i have bigger more muscular arms and shoulers than most triathletes. the T-1 allows you to mix different top sizes to bibjohns, so you can always have a perfect fit. you don't have to be built like michael raelert (and do you really want to be???)

-the bio-stroke mummy arm thing is no gimmick. my arms feel like they are in a perfect position for my catch and pull. this wetsuit has actually taught me to swim better in the pool!

--tom brady wears it to play football in the snow

ok, now that is cool.

and it tells you how flexible the arms and shoulders are. 

this wetsuit has me looking at people squeezing into their one peicers just wondering why or how i ever did that. i feel i have re-discovered the world of wetsuit swimming, as it should be. and freed myself from the land of neoprene bondage torture.

while i was picking sizes i had great service on the phone with steve at desoto. i mentioned the brand i was currently swimming in and he told me it would be like moving from a ford to a ferarri (i own a ford but i took no offense.) i thought, it is nice to have such brand enthusiasm, but this guy is over-stating things a bit. well....he wasn't. 

there really is no going back to a one piece when you have tried a desoto wetsuit. trust me. it is one of the best investments you will ever make in your triathlon career. and they have a 100% satisfaction guarantee, so just go for it. or don't. i don't care. i will feel superior and have a better swim experience. come to think of it. don't order one, not if you are racing in canada anyways...

The Fight versus the Whisper

fighting for your life, is, in so many ways, easier than just living it.

this week things have been going very well. the weather is great. the training is fun and hard, long, but rarely boring. however, i guess the fact that i am trying to kick my fundraising into gear is giving me flashbacks about what it is i am fundraising for and the experiences i had while battling cancer. andthese have been flashing through my head during my workouts.

imagine being in third year medical school and being told you have a tumor growing in your chest, right next to your heart. sorta rocks your world and is out of the course of what one might expect from life at that point.  imagine night sweats so bad that your whole bed is soaking wet each morning and you are not sure why.  imagine six months of chemotherapy, nausea, mouth ulcers, burning veins, low blood counts, delirium. imagine radiation burns under your arms, electric sensations down your spine, hair falling out, the energy being sapped from your body. imagine all food tasting metallic because of radiation. imagine a fever followed by days of your skin burning on fire. imagine going into shock during a test and almost dying. feeling your body temperature dropping, sensing your blood pressure bottom out, your consciousness fading, until the IV adrenaline kicks in and a warm hand on yours starts to bring you back.
 
all of this is not meant to be depressing. but perhaps to help the reader better understand why i am doing what i am doing, where i have come from and why i am volunteering for such a strange and masochistic battle. maybe even it explains why i am craving another battle which pushes me to my limits.

 going through cancer treatment is hard, yes. but easier than the phase which comes after in which you have fought your battle, you have paid with your pain, and now, you are launched into the great unknown....remission.

in spite of all its difficulties, ironman is a fight that is preferable to the limbo of doing nothing except just living and hoping for the best...remission. i wonder if finishing will leave me with the same sense of fear of the mundane that finishing cancer treatment did. oh well, there are always other ironmans....(sorry P).

remission is a dog from hell because there is no fight.  there is just living....and hoping for the best.
in some strange way, we are all in remission. like the two characters in that famous french existentialist play, we are waiting for godot to come....hoping for the best.  aren't we all in the same boat? aren't we all in remission in some kind of metaphorical way?and isn't it the moments when we face a battle that we become the most alive?

i have so many ideas for blogging over the next few weeks. i promise that this blog will become what i have always hated, a mindless exercise in show-me-ism. look what i did. look what i am doing. look what i used to do it. look how hard i trained. i am great. (or not), but just look at me...

i wonder what exactly it will mean to cross the finish line at ironman. will it be a giant FU at cancer? will it be a day of grandiose thumbing my nose at time, decay, illness? will it be the ultimate actualization of my inner hero?  or....will it be about those moments of pain, boredom, weakness, stomach upset, sore ass, toying with mechanical on the bike...etc. will it be about keeping going in the face of a whole pile of shit that could stop me if i let it? will it be about whispering, steady and long, instead of shouting loud and proud?

someone once wrote that ironman is about who whispers the loudest.

that's the hard part to grasp. real grandiosity, real heroism, arises from a loud-enough, yet consistent whisper. it is life in the remission zone, not a grandiose fight. it a consistent application of force, not against some monster, but just in the cause of life itself. i guess it is like a hum, a mantra, the eternal ohm.

please donate to the leukemia and lymphoma society. there are many who need to shout loud and fight their battle before they return to the land of remission and the land of living great through a whisper and they need your help.

First of June

not the official beginning of summer, but here in Toronto June 1st sure feels like it.

what a day today...the kind that makes you glad to be alive. it was sunny, hot, windy, and just downright summer-like.

it also felt like the true beginning of my ironman ramp up. my first really long triple session outside. i hadn't realized how much i both loathe and miss those. they are lonely. they are long, dusty, windy, tiring, and mentally challenging, but punctuated, almost always, by epiphanies of sensation that make them as addictive as crack.

started in lake wilcox; the legendary, singular macca and nexus of toronto area triathletes. i started late so it was quite windy and choppy today. it is one of the most serene and beautiful places to swim...

when your bike loop takes you between two lakes, past panoramic vistas, gorgeous houses, sunbathers, horse farms, golf courses, and small hamlets with elderly chinese ladies selling water in ancient, singular variety stores, then you know you have a nice loop.

i rode to jackson point.

need i say more?

well, there was also this:

and this:

a very very nice bike ride. the scenery more than made up for my sore ass and sunburnt shoulders.

the run was hot, windy, on dirt roads and looked like this:

the best part of my day, was when i got home and went to the park with my daughter and blew dandelions on the grass and watched her laugh with delight on a swing.

 what else good could happen? BBQ? sitting outside on the deck sipping wine? massage? chocolate with chili? a good bowel movement?
no comment.

 just a good day on the road to penticton.

WHY I HATE VIRUSES

things were going well during last week's rest week, until sunday morning. overnight, my throat was sore, i felt sneezy. nothing too bad. frustrating. how can this happen? i felt fine. it was a frickin rest week for G-d's sake.

i tried to see if i could run through it. i had a great run, but the weekend was too busy, i was under-rested, and that little bugger of a virus took hold and started to proliferate in my nose and my head.

what this meant, was some quick decisions. i am (i think) getting smarter. i skipped monday entirely. stayed at home tuesday and slept as much as i could.

it is hard not to play a numbers game at this stage. "i missed four hours, this week will be short a couple of hours" etc. it is hard not the chase numbers. ironman is not very far away and numbers do matter. the most important ones are 140.6, and 2011/8/28. neither of these is negotiable. and to some exetent, neither are the numbers that come before in training. unless i want to be caught with my spandex down, that is.  but feel is important also. seeing the overall picture is important. and so is tolerating the frustration of inactivity and over-eating (ok that part was optional) sometimes, in the cause of a greater good.

i imagine that being successful in ironman requires lots of seeing the big picture and tolerating frustration. as in training, so in race day. and there is a certain amount of gambling. more rest? try a workout? what will result in greater fitness in the bank?, less time off? it is like deciding whether to take the collector or express lanes when you see a traffic jam ahead. it is a gamble.

so maybe this little virus wasn't too bad if it taught me some  good lessons?

but viruses piss me off because they emphasize the uncertainty that is life. one day fine. the next, sick.
so i was told, it might have been one little prick of a virus that probably caused my hodgkin's disease by altering my dna.

viruses are the most abundant biological entity on earth, yet they are not quite alive. apparently they play a role in evolution by faciliatating horizontal gene transfer, which increases genetic diversity. so what is bad for the individual may be good for the population. this is an interesting thing to ponder...but i still hate viruses.


.

IRONMAN RAPTURE

according to some, the world will end on May 21st.
or at least it will be the beginning of the end. THE RAPTURE.

i have seen much about this on the net and most people don't seem to realize that the rapture and the end of the world are not the same thing. the rapture is actually a gathering of good souls into the sky to escape the imminent suffering which is coming below. the tribulation before the end.

it is also a great song by blondie...

on May 21st there are also two ironman races: texas and lanzarote. there is also a 70.3 race in austria. this would signify that there are a number of people who don't seem to think it will be the end of the world that day. just another day of torture in ironman purgatory; and throw in some  tribulation too. anyone who has even been in a mass swim start knows what these terms mean first hand.

lanzarote is famed to be be one of the toughest ironman's on the planet. it is the ultimate form of ironman suffering  yet people go back, year after year. not one of these people want to escape the suffering. they crave it. no rapture seekers there. in fact, i think alot of ironman contenders would be a bit put off if all of their training came to nothing and they were suddenly lifted into the sky (or to the finish line, or the finish line in the sky, as it were).

according to one source, only 0.03% of the christian population believe that the rapture is tomorrow. that would be 6 930 000 people. alot more people than those doing ironman races tomorrow, which would be somewhere around 5000.it seems alot more people are hoping for a release from suffering and tribulation tomorrow than immersion in it. alot more people believe they will ascend into the sky and escape all evil, than those who will voluntarily suffer in the depths of their bodies and souls in the furnace(s) of texas and lanzarote tomorrow.

and what if the rapture is just symbolic? what if it is a metaphor for being saved from suffering because you believed?, what if it is just about being free from the tribulations of evil, in your head? what if the same thing can be achieved by going head first into the eye of the storm? what if bhudda was right and all life is suffering? only suffering can lead you to freedom from suffering. if this is true,  then ironman can be a rapture in itself.


there is one consolation in all of this for me. according to most, the actual end of the world may not come for as long as 7 years after the rapture, so ironman canada this year is still safe. all of my suffering can still lead to the ultimate suffering/joy on august 28th in the okanagan. whew!

i am glad i bought gels for my long ride on monday...