FREE ASSOCIATION...

is a psychoanalytic term, generally used to refer to a technique whereby the subject/patient says whatever comes to mind. the concept is to become free of the usual restrictions that surround our desire to be liked, seen a certain way, make sense, etc.

the idea is to thereby reveal the contents of the unconscious mind...the unconscious mind, so it is believed, is the source of real data about the self. everything else is smoke and mirrors erected by the ego.

well, my ego has sustained enough damage lately that i thought i would try my hand at free associating here. enough of smoke and mirrors. lets find the real person under this road to where??? penticton, oh ya.  self indulgent? yes, but what is more self-indulgent than blogging in the first place? oh, i know, DOING AN IRONMAN:

here it goes:

in the past week is the fist time it has occurred to me that i won't be able to do this.
i am exhausted
it is very very hard to juggle huge work stress, being a new dad, a husband and training for an ironman
i am exhausted
my body doesn't feel right
my immune system is fucked
i won't do as well as i could
i hate people who have upbeat blogs bragging about how much training they do and what equipment they use, who cares?
who cares about my negativity?
it is real. that is why people read blogs.
what,they don't have enough of real?
i will lose all my sponsors if i am too negative.
wait, i don't really have too many sponsors anyways.
i was mad at that guy who came to the pool when he was sick. i mean, stay home buddy, we are all trying to get healthy here.
i don't want to swim in someone else's  germs
i need to give up on having a good race. april is too soon, i won't be ready.
august is too soon. i won't be ready
i am a bad father because i want to work out
i am a bad husband because i am rigid about working out
my priorities are fucked

i haven't run outside enough, this winter sucked, my shins hurt, my heel hurts
i am bored with myself
triathletes are mostly assholes
so is everyone else
usually everyone who is not suffering in some way is an asshole in some way
people who suffer are usually nicer until their suffering ends, then they become assholes again
if i am suffering then why am i not a nicer person?
most of my suffering is self induced
so what does that make me?

oh my, none of this would inspire me. i need to be inspiring. don't I???
it is supposed to be inspiring when someone overcomes previous tragedy to live out their fantasies of omnipotence at an ironman finish line, isn't it?


i will never fit in

i am not going to give up.
 my dreams do matter
i am important
it will be ok.

maybe i need to compromise....


sorry about that. if you want inspiration, look at last week's blog.
too much thrash metal in the car.
that is my excuse
and i am not so sure that last line was my unconscious, i think that was my ego talking.
good thing he is the one in control most of the time...