NON-RACE REPORT

this past weekend was supposed to be my final tune up for penticton. it didn't work out well, in fact, it ended up raising some anxiety, bursting a whole in my confidence bubble and brining me strangely full circle, into the fire as it were, into the patient role, something i try to avoid like the plague and ironically, one of the big pulls all of this triathlon stuff has for me, that feeling of supermanish overcoming, gone, and there i am being examined by para-medics and turning in my timing chip.

here is what happened; i was supposed to race the provincial long course championships in kingston ontario. a great race in a beautiful little city, and i had anticipated writing a light hearted, nice review of the race (which has already been chosen as one of the top 3 races in north america). i ended up dropping out after the swim.

i felt great the day before. a long drive up to kingston with my wife and baby, tiring, but fun. we got into kingston and i was feeling fit, looking fit, and had one of the best warm ups i have ever had before a race. i was feeling smug, like the 2k swim, 56k bike and 15k run were a given, a warm up, a sneeze for me. i am in ironman shape after all.

how quickly things can unravel.

my daughter woke up from sleep and proceeded to cry and fret for close to five hours, the night was a washout. we ended up doing tag team rocking, pacing, soothing. i got maybe 2 hours of broken sleep. i  still woke up in time for the race though and as i ate breakfast, i thought to myself that this would be cool, doing a long course race on two hours sleep after a night like that, i couldn't believe how good i felt. one more confirmation that i really am superman!

my mind was calm, i felt focused and confident as i set up in transition. it was hot and muggy and wonderfully sunny. the water was still cool enough for a wetsuit legal swim, but it was 21 celsiuis, so not exactly cold.
then i made a mistake, which i am sure sealed my fate. i put on my wetsuit about five minutes too early and proceeded to sweat like a banshee in the hot sun. i looked down and my wetsuit looked like i had already gone swimming.

i felt fine warming up. a bit of fresh water in the suit was a nice relief. the first half of the swim was fine. not my best day in the water, but i kept telling myself i am just limiting time loss, setting up a solid bike and a stellar run. i turned around and headed back to shore and things started to slowly unravel. i felt hot. i felt way more tired than i should and i struggled to get back to the docks.the second half of the swim seemed to take forever.

as soon as my feet hit land i knew i did not feel great. i was walking to the bike. i felt a bit unsteady. as i unracked my bike, i began to feel like i was going to pass out. i draped myself over the bike rack, i sat down, time starting slipping by, my race was slipping by. i stood up again, and i felt to faint, again.
by this time, there were two very nice paramedics tending to me. my race was over.

there i was, blood pressure cuff on, pin prick on my finger to check my glucose, heart monitor on. i went from superman to patient in 1/2 hour. ironic, because this road is supposed to be about triumph over illness, celebrating life, strength, overcoming. and there i was succumbing in my last warm up race. there i was being examined. i had flashbacks to my whole cancer ordeal. i felt weak, vulnerable, emabarassed. my bubble burst.

what do i take away from this? nothing is ever guarunteed in triathlon racing. there is no law of fairness that says if you are fit and train enough you will finish ironman. a million things can come up and suddenly you are sidelined. it is just like life.

and so now, i must re-focus myself, put this out of my mind, and get to b.c. with a clear head. another barrier to overcome. instead of a great warm up race to confirm my fitness i have a baffling, dnf. instead of feeling like i am invincible, i end up in the pateint role, at a race. the one role in life i would most like to avoid, is thrust on me in a moment, while i am at the peak of my fitness, at a race, and suddenly , questions arise. should i get a check up? (i promised my mother i will). what if there is something serious (doubtful), how am i going to deal with it when the inevitable does happen and something serious does occur in my body and i can't race any more? what if i can't even run in the park with my daughter any more? what if i get a heart attack in the next ten years, like my father did? how will i live past that?

following cancer i have worked hard to develop trust in my body again. however, i never really have shaken the knowledge that it could let me down at any moment, and that has been the backdrop of my existence for the last 15 years. it is the thing i most run away from. i have enjoyed moments of feeling safe, feeling like i can do things that normal people cannot. i am strong, i am a fighter, i have an iron will. i am sure i will enjoy those moments again. they are, in the end however, nothing more than fantasies of omnipotence.

so, it seems fitting that i encounter the one ghost, or demon that i would most like to avoid on this road to penticton. my own fear about my body letting me down.

it certainly makes things more interesting....