The Dharma Road

I am not sure what to write, but i felt i should write something. this is it. tomorrow is ironman.
part of me can't believe it is actually going to happen.

i am not sure what i feel. anxious, yes. afraid. a little. excited. of course.
but none of these words really describe what it feels like. part of the issue is the unknown. this is my first ironman. i don't really know what it feels like. i am not really sure what to expect. i will be pushing the limits of my endurance farther than ever before. i feel a certain sense of lingering, of wanting it to start, of dreading it to start, but dreading these hours before the race more than anything. i feel a bit nauseous. not really, but existentially so.

i think i know what i want to say, or at least part. i want to say that i am almost as afraid of the race being over as i am of it finally being here. there is the unknown of what tomorrow will bring, but greater unkowns loom in the horizon. and that is good. an open road is better than a driveway. at least most of the time.

i suppose it is always like this when you invest so much into something. i wonder what ancient dudes felt like the night before a planned battle.

the town is alive with the hype of the race. it is seething with triathletes. it really is like a pilgrimmage. all these people in one place, for one purpose. doing the same things, the same rituals. the vibe is pretty cool. the volunteers are amazing. everything is smooth and well organized.

i have layed low with the family. we have gone to the beach every day. my daughter has had a great time playing in the backyard where we are staying. we have discovered her singing talents. she sings barbara streisand particularly well...in babyish.

so, there is so much  happening to do with the race, and not to do with the race. it is an intense time in my life.

so this is it for my blog. a race report will follow tomorrow and that will be it. sad. but then life will go on and there will be more stories, more roads. or maybe the same one. the dharma road. oh my, i will end this blog for now with a reference to keruoac. one of my favorite writers. and tomorrow, i will be on the road. and the day after also. and the day after that...

the road ends at lake skaha

i can't believe that i am finally here and the race is only 2 days away.

highway 97 hits a crossbar at the foot of lake skaha. there you will find a beach that is some cross between spain, lord of the rings and exotic island chains in bali. pretty terrific. since that is where we are staying in penticton, i will call that the end of the road. we are here. arrived. ready, (hopefully). i am here...

i have driven all around north america, literally. the drive from kelowna to penticton ranks in the top 3 drives i have ever done. it is simply spectacular. just the majestic reality of what we were seeing had a transforming effect on our mindset. the real road into penticton is something worth seeing in a lifetime, for sure.

we arrived last night. spent an idyllic day hanging out, going to the beach with my daughter and soaking in the extreme beauty that penticton has to offer.

i must say that penticton is one of the most stunningly beautiful places i have ever seen. the arid mountains, the fruit trees and vineyards, the finger lakes nestled between sharp mountain peaks. it is both exotic and visually stunning.  to quote my wife, it is like being in macca. well, macca it is, for about 2500 ironman pilgrims who are collecting here and i am more than happy to be one of them.

of course, it wouldn't be ironman if there weren't snags. i flatted on my warm  up ride today. wait, is that a snag? a bit, i guess. but better today than on sunday.

i feel well physically and mentally and i am really starting to look forward to the race. it feels so real finally, it feels nice to see all these people out spinning on their bikes and feel the caraderie with them. very cool.

we shall see what the next few days bring, but we are finally here.

the death of jack layton

this is a weird week.

i am officially home from work. yet, i still have to go in to work.

i am tapering for ironman. yet,  i am also playing at home dad. which is cool.

my big day is only five days away...

the weather has changed. it is cool. a huge storm hit last night and wiped out our power for 6 hours. there was a tornado just north of toronto that destroyed a small town. 

 and...today i found out that the jack layton died. for those of you who are not from canada, jack layton was the leader of canada's most socialist political party, and someone who was just always there as the voice that called everyone else out on their bullshit and who was genuinely there to represent the average working joe, who could not articulate what jack could. i can't believe he is gone. and so young. 61 years old. i, for one, took his existence for granted and now he is no longer in existence, at least in this world.

i was reflecting on the fact that jack spent the last year of his life leading the NDP party's most successful federal election ever. he was a fighter, to the end.  i am sure he knew that his health situation was serious. there were alot of other things he could have done with his time. he chose to do that which moved him most. and he lived out a dream. the best ever results in the polls for his party, his cause. he spent the final year of his life devoted to increasing the profile and power of a party that stood no chance to win the election. he, in essence, spent the final year of his life, fighting a losing battle, in more ways than one, ...but i don't think anyone would ever say he lost.

i am inspired by his life, just as i am saddened by his death. and i realize that i never really appreciated his existence enough while he was here.

as much as i hate myself for finding personal meaning in someone else's death, what options are there? what is the appropriate thing to do/not do, write/not write?, think/not think?

it makes me more aware than ever, how short our time on this earth can be, and how important it is to fight for what moves you, to pursue your dreams and to be yourself and to never let anyone else tell you when, how, where or why or what,  you can, cannot, should or should not do or what should matter to you. 

Industrial Diversion

i think my blog frequency will be pathetically frequent this next 10 days or so.

after that, i will lay this road to rest...

if my purpose is to document where my head is at, then i must include this video of danny macaskill. he has been a spirit lifter this week, a great source of motivation and distraction as well.

i bet his bike ain't carbon fiber. the music is great too. enjoy.

the zen of ironman

i will miss this blog. it has been a steady part of life for the past 8 months. a weekly chance to reflect on where my head is at as i prepare my body for the biggest endurance challenge it has ever faced.

like all things, it will come to and end, and very soon.

my road to penticton, this road, this time, this year, will never happen again.

i am beginning to feel strong again, and getting my mind around the challenge ahead.

i have been thinking about the zen of ironman. the bhudda's first noble truth is that suffering is inevitable. it comes, sooner or later, to everyone. we often see freedom from suffering as a gift, or a blessing, or a reward for something, but this ignores the big picture of time. in the end, we all suffer. bad things happen to those we love, to us;; suffering visits the innocent just the same as the guilty, and we are left wondering why.

many of us spend most of our time trying to avoid suffering. it is a primary goal in most people's moment to moment existence. so if we think that we should be able to avoid it, it makes sense to wonder why, what did we do wrong?, when it visits. 

but perhaps it is better to wonder how or maybe even better yet, to experience how, as opposed to finding out why suffering happens. it is part of existence. freedom from suffering and suffering are just parts of existence. neither one can really be avoided. they are both there to be experienced. and experience itself is a gift beyond anything imaginable.

the one thing for certain in the ironman is that suffering will come. you may get a good time, or a bad time. you might finish, or not. but you will suffer, no matter what. no matter how hard you train, no matter how hard you plan, no matter who supports you or who doesn't, or how prepared you are, or how well you execute your race plan, you are going to suffer. the task is just too big to complete without suffering. just as living is too big to complete without suffering.

how are you going to deal with your suffering when it happens?

it was the 12 days of taper and my true love gave to me...a diaper with a poo

Ironman Canada is in 12 days.

this is not the twelve days of christmas.

this is the 12 days of: i am stressed. how will i do this? i have trained enough, i haven't trained enough. the ironman is a monkey on my back. how do i please this monkey? what will be it be like to change the baby's sleep zone by 3 hours? will i be f-cked beyond imagination by the sleep issues of the baby? what will the last 10k feel like? i remember running the marathon. my hamstrings were ropes waiting to burst. what if i feel like shit? what if my taper makes me fat and feeling like shit? what if i ride too hard? what if i run too hard at first? and other things i can't mention....

this is the 12 days of neurotic frickin shit, i can't wait for race day. the build up is killing me. the taper is killing me. the aches and pains from nowhere are killing me. the built up fatigue is killing me, and most of all, my dread of it all being over is killing me.

this road is getting short. but it has been long, and fun, and ...well never, mind, but....i am looking forward to penticton, to the beach,the mountains, atmosphere of my first ironman. i am excited. and afraid.

and as the race gets closer i  have inevitably encountered some of my  deepest demons of sobotage and self-doubt. well, f*5k them.  i wont' deny they are there, i won't deny their role in my past, but they can see the door to their exit from my present. good riddance.

deep fears of self sabotage should stay deep where the sun don't shine. i am going to believe. i am going to keep being consistent. i am going to do my best to be an ironman.

and if anyone reads this who has not donated to the lls, please do, i am really close to my fundraising goals. it would be nice to get there.

18 DAYS

in 18 days this road ends
it will be put up or shut up time.

i am going through a more fatiged taper than i would have liked. at least i know i had no more to give in training.

so now, you must shift gears and focus on macro recovery and being fresh for the race. i have dug a hole. it has been hard work. it should be a good stimulus to push me forward in terms of what my body can do. hopefully it is a less than 18 day hole. then i come out stronger.

this is an anxious phase for me.

i need a good beer. a few good foul words. maybe a few chicken wings.  some  sleep. a quiet night out of the baby. 

NON-RACE REPORT

this past weekend was supposed to be my final tune up for penticton. it didn't work out well, in fact, it ended up raising some anxiety, bursting a whole in my confidence bubble and brining me strangely full circle, into the fire as it were, into the patient role, something i try to avoid like the plague and ironically, one of the big pulls all of this triathlon stuff has for me, that feeling of supermanish overcoming, gone, and there i am being examined by para-medics and turning in my timing chip.

here is what happened; i was supposed to race the provincial long course championships in kingston ontario. a great race in a beautiful little city, and i had anticipated writing a light hearted, nice review of the race (which has already been chosen as one of the top 3 races in north america). i ended up dropping out after the swim.

i felt great the day before. a long drive up to kingston with my wife and baby, tiring, but fun. we got into kingston and i was feeling fit, looking fit, and had one of the best warm ups i have ever had before a race. i was feeling smug, like the 2k swim, 56k bike and 15k run were a given, a warm up, a sneeze for me. i am in ironman shape after all.

how quickly things can unravel.

my daughter woke up from sleep and proceeded to cry and fret for close to five hours, the night was a washout. we ended up doing tag team rocking, pacing, soothing. i got maybe 2 hours of broken sleep. i  still woke up in time for the race though and as i ate breakfast, i thought to myself that this would be cool, doing a long course race on two hours sleep after a night like that, i couldn't believe how good i felt. one more confirmation that i really am superman!

my mind was calm, i felt focused and confident as i set up in transition. it was hot and muggy and wonderfully sunny. the water was still cool enough for a wetsuit legal swim, but it was 21 celsiuis, so not exactly cold.
then i made a mistake, which i am sure sealed my fate. i put on my wetsuit about five minutes too early and proceeded to sweat like a banshee in the hot sun. i looked down and my wetsuit looked like i had already gone swimming.

i felt fine warming up. a bit of fresh water in the suit was a nice relief. the first half of the swim was fine. not my best day in the water, but i kept telling myself i am just limiting time loss, setting up a solid bike and a stellar run. i turned around and headed back to shore and things started to slowly unravel. i felt hot. i felt way more tired than i should and i struggled to get back to the docks.the second half of the swim seemed to take forever.

as soon as my feet hit land i knew i did not feel great. i was walking to the bike. i felt a bit unsteady. as i unracked my bike, i began to feel like i was going to pass out. i draped myself over the bike rack, i sat down, time starting slipping by, my race was slipping by. i stood up again, and i felt to faint, again.
by this time, there were two very nice paramedics tending to me. my race was over.

there i was, blood pressure cuff on, pin prick on my finger to check my glucose, heart monitor on. i went from superman to patient in 1/2 hour. ironic, because this road is supposed to be about triumph over illness, celebrating life, strength, overcoming. and there i was succumbing in my last warm up race. there i was being examined. i had flashbacks to my whole cancer ordeal. i felt weak, vulnerable, emabarassed. my bubble burst.

what do i take away from this? nothing is ever guarunteed in triathlon racing. there is no law of fairness that says if you are fit and train enough you will finish ironman. a million things can come up and suddenly you are sidelined. it is just like life.

and so now, i must re-focus myself, put this out of my mind, and get to b.c. with a clear head. another barrier to overcome. instead of a great warm up race to confirm my fitness i have a baffling, dnf. instead of feeling like i am invincible, i end up in the pateint role, at a race. the one role in life i would most like to avoid, is thrust on me in a moment, while i am at the peak of my fitness, at a race, and suddenly , questions arise. should i get a check up? (i promised my mother i will). what if there is something serious (doubtful), how am i going to deal with it when the inevitable does happen and something serious does occur in my body and i can't race any more? what if i can't even run in the park with my daughter any more? what if i get a heart attack in the next ten years, like my father did? how will i live past that?

following cancer i have worked hard to develop trust in my body again. however, i never really have shaken the knowledge that it could let me down at any moment, and that has been the backdrop of my existence for the last 15 years. it is the thing i most run away from. i have enjoyed moments of feeling safe, feeling like i can do things that normal people cannot. i am strong, i am a fighter, i have an iron will. i am sure i will enjoy those moments again. they are, in the end however, nothing more than fantasies of omnipotence.

so, it seems fitting that i encounter the one ghost, or demon that i would most like to avoid on this road to penticton. my own fear about my body letting me down.

it certainly makes things more interesting....